Crunch time: Out come the claws.

Although my life is currently being consumed by term project pandemonium, last night’s episode of The Bachelor was such an emotional roller coaster that I just have to get a few things off my chest.

First order of business, PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK?!?! What is the ish with Andi’s dad/the Fantasy Suite?! Also, 2-part finale on Monday and Tuesday next week – time flies when you’re… watching people pretend to fall in love on TV.

(Do I need to reassess my priorities? Probably. I’ll just wait till after this season though)

 Of course, this leads me to Nikki, who boldly dropped the L-bomb when there were still 8 women left. Seems a little early for this kind of talk, no? Especially because I don’t see it AT ALL – Nikki definitely has her eyes on the prize, but the prize is beating 26 other women and winning a reality show contest, not a lifelong salsa dance with Juan Pabs.

I found it slightly alarming how her date consisted of meeting Juan Pablo’s daughter, parents, and baby momma. Seems a little soon. Not really sure if the daughter and ex had to meet your 1-in-8 chance of potential fiancée, hmm, Juan Pabs? The date seemed to go well enough, and even concluded with Camilla giving Nikki a Cheeto-flavoured kiss, but I can’t imagine that situation not being excruciatingly awkward, and I’m not so sure Nikki exudes authenticity and mother material.

Side note: Camilla’s mother is a babe and a half. Slightly intimidating for Nikki et al.?

The one thing that is helping with Nikki’s claim to be in love with Juan Pablo is she doesn’t exactly seem to crave the same “intellectual stimulation” as Sharleen does – which brings me to Sharleen’s exit.

Not really a shocker, as Sharleen definitely seems to be the wisest of the batch of women, and we all know when Juan Pablo’s not making out, his go-to contribution to any conversation is, “I like it.”

Riveting. Tell me more.

I’d also like to point out the recurring role of Renee here as Bachelor Counselor, SHE IS ALWAYS LISTENING TO EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS. Literally no one else listens but her. Such a mom.

Anyway, hope you find the man you’re looking for, Sharleen, and hope you like kissing him as much as you did Juan Pablo!

Finally, I can’t leave without discussing the catfight and awkward silence that took place between a jealous Clare and an arrogant Nikki. This is reality TV at its finest, I seriously think these two should audition for Real World or some sort of blonde edition of Jersey Shore. The two snap back and forth at each other, mostly just cutting each other off and then getting mad at each other for interrupting. Classic catfight.

After some endearing parting remarks (Clare: “You’re a piece of work, Nikki”; Nikki: “You’re f—ing crazy”), we get to hear Nikki’s perspective of the situation:

“Clare is like a dog. She peed on him first. She claimed her territory. And the fact is, she claimed some territory that might not be hers.”

PS Here’s a good display of the Crazy Clare eyes I’ve mentioned in previous posts:

 Right?

Anyway, let’s just say it’s a good thing group dates are a thing of the past and it’s onto hometowns and fantasy suites from here on out.

Either way, Juan Pabs, seems like you’ve got yourself a win-win with these ladies! Good luck buddy!

Hot Crazy Scale

This week’s episode of The Bachelor has prompted me to consult an extremely relevant tool in helping Juan Pabs make the final decision on the woman he wants to marry. He’s down to 6 girls now and it’s important to look at each one of them very carefully, in terms of the:

Hot Crazy Scale

The Hot Crazy Scale, as defined by Barney Stinson in CBS’ hit show How I Met Your Mother, is described by the following video clip.

Basically, a girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally as hot. I will now analyze the remaining Bachelor contestants based on this extremely reliable dating tool. It is my humble, nonjudgemental opinion that the final 6 women pining after Juan Pablo’s heart belong in the following arrangement on the Hot Crazy Scale:

Andi

The clear choice for Juan Pablo, based on the Hot Crazy Scale, is Andi. I have zero concern about Andi going off like a crazy person. Yes, she has her concerns and her ups and downs, but this is only natural when your potential future husband is dating other women in double-digit numbers. She has a level head, an easygoing and fun attitude, and has not set off any warning signals of craziness. She is also clearly a babe.

Sharleen

Sharleen’s position on the Hot Crazy Scale is debatable. My personal opinion is that she is a gorgeous and classy woman (who just happens to be Canadian – represent) but I wouldn’t fall off my couch in shock if she pulled any crazy moves this season. What I mean is, if there was a Bachelor-themed casino out there, I would place a bet that Sharleen can’t handle the weirdness of the situation anymore and peaces out on her own terms. All season long, she seems to be dealing with an internal struggle on whether she likes Juan Pabs or not, and this is fair enough! I do appreciate her realistic, down-to-earth mindset. However, she shed more than a couple tears because her friend Kat didn’t get a rose tonight, and this hints a bit of crazy to me. Just sayin’.

Renee

Renee: the mom of the house. The one every woman goes to for advice, to vent, or for simply a shoulder to cry on. Renee’s heart is definitely in the right place, but unfortunately I think this place equates to a Stage 5 Clinger (a whole new scale, that I won’t get into here) for Juan Pabs. Renee pulls the moves of every classic Bachelor contestant, including pining for weeks for that “first kiss,” being head over heels with the guy before she’s even gotten a first date, and wearing rose-coloured glasses for everything Juan Pabs-related. This type of head-in-the-clouds behaviour could definitely end up tipping Renee into the crazy zone.

Chelsie

Oh, young sweet Chelsie. Teetering on the line of hot and crazy. If Chels has shown any signs of craziness, I would definitely attribute it to her age. She is a young 24 and seems to have her heart set on getting married via this show. Speaking as a fellow 24 year old, I can emphasize that there is NO RUSH HERE and I think Chels should just relax and enjoy her early twenties while she can. Whether this sense of immaturity could lead to crazy, only time will tell!

Nikki

With Nikki, it may be easy to confuse “crazy” with “negativity” but for now she remains just above the crazy line. Her reluctance to participate in seemingly “fun” events such as dancing in a K Pop performance and repelling into the cave in Vietnam raise the suspicion that this girl could be slightly high maintenance and pouty when things don’t go her way. I’ll just leave you with this photo to explain her presence at the top of the Hot axis.

Clare

This brings us to Clare. Juan Pablo definitely seems to like her, based on his attention span on the group dates, their 4 a.m. dip in the ocean, and the fact that she was the first woman to be invited on a second one-on-one date. The question is, IS CLARE HOT ENOUGH TO EXCUSE HER CRAZY? I’m standing by my earlier post that she is guilty of crazy eyes, and there’s something about that one eyebrow raise and her winking at the camera that would make me run the other way if I was Juan Pabs. Something about this girl is a ticking time bomb – we haven’t seen it yet, mainly because Juan Pablo has been giving her the attention she wants, but I’ve witnessed enough Bachelor contestants go crazy during or after this show to know that Clare is in the “crazy” category.

But let’s keep in mind Juan Pablo is a dangerous combination of hot and crazy himself. You’ve seen his dance moves. You know what I’m talking about.

Obviously these are all the harmless and subjective opinions of a reality TV blogger with way too many opinions about this show, but there you have it – The Bachelor Final 6 Hot Crazy Scale! Let’s all hope some more crazy comes out next week, because let’s face it, crazy makes good TV!

“The waves were wild but we were wild too” – spoken too soon?

Dear Camila,

Tonight your daddy went for a nice swim in the ocean with his friend Clare. They were just playing a game of Marco Polo and looking for fishies at a time that was way waaayyyy past your bedtime. Also, even though you might think your daddy is kissing a lot (a LOT) of women, remember that he is just being polite. These are all normal things that adults do, but you won’t have to worry about them. Ever. In your life.

Now, what channel is Dora the Explorer on?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Juan Pablo,

Now I’m no expert at dating 11 people at once, but let’s just take this lemon of an episode and make some lemonade with the following advice:

Do not indulge in “pure bliss in every way” (quote: Clare) while frolicking in the ocean with a woman one night, and then follow up by telling her you regret said frolicking, because you don’t want to set a bad example for your daughter. As if it was all Clare’s fault.

Your Latino dance moves suggest that you’re familiar with the expression, “it takes two to tango.” Whether this tangoing is on land or in water, clothed or unclothed, Clare wasn’t playing Marco Polo by herself! Get it together, Juan Pabs!

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Clare,

WOMEN BE JEALOUS. MEN BE CONFUSING.

Hakuna matata, girl!

________________________________________________________________________

Sincerely,

Reality Bites

Keeners ‘n’ K-Pop

This week our favourite Venezuelan Bachelor and his wannabe baby mommas took their talents (although I use that phrase loosely) to Seoul, South Korea, to do some Seoul searching. And find their Seoul mates. And bare their Seouls to each other.

… K I’m done.

The two main conclusions I drew from this episode are as follows:

a)    The standouts of this season of The Bachelor are split between keeners *cough* Clare, Kat… and anti-keeners *cough* Nikki, Sharleen.

• Criteria for being a keener: Try your hardest to catch Juan Pablo’s attention, or in Kat’s case, the entire South Korean teenybopper population’s attention

• Criteria for being an anti-keener: DO NOT be keen on life. Be as negative and as unimpressed as possible. Keep your smiling to a minimum. Getting flown around the world on a reality TV show and possibly finding your husband is a huge burden, so act like it.

b)   Juan Pablo has a new favourite genre of music.

And it’s called K-Pop.

So this week the ladies were able to live out the childhood dream of every little girl: background dancing for the South Korean version of Spice Girls.

Kat takes the liberty of combining the looks of Baby Spice with the dancing of Scary Spice – k just kidding, she actually is a good dancer, but she just needs to relax a bit. Unless her goal in life is to literally become a K-Pop background dancer, in which case I say WORK IT GIRL.

On the other hand we have Nikki,  who would rather go spend the day in North Korea than dance to K Pop. Just a Pouty McPouterson. Zero fun. Worst day ever.

Sharleen, usually known for being the least keen on life, actually opens up a bit this episode and pays Juan Pabs the heartfelt compliment of telling him “You are not bland.” WHOA SHARLEEN TURN DOWN THE MUSH. Getting way too sentimental up in here.

Seriously though, Juan Pabs loves her. Calling it now, final 3: Sharleen, Claire, and Andi. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. No spoilers, just been watching the show enough years to know true Bachelor love when I see it!

Finally rounding out the keeners category is Clare, who is really not making any best friends in the Bachelor house on the account of she feels the need to sit on Juan Pabs’ lap everywhere they go. She also has that thing in her eyes… I’m no expert but I think they call it… crazy?

Well that concludes this segment of Keeners ‘n’ K-Pop. Until next time, please turn your volume on full blast and enjoy the female version of Gangnam Style:

As per Chris Harrison’s prediction, the drama has begun.

Wait a second.

So you’re telling me… if you throw 20 girls into a pool party with one guy… a guy they’re all trying to date/marry… the girls are going to get catty and jealous? BACHELOR PRODUCERS, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?! ‘BOUT TIME SOMEONE MADE THIS INTO A REALITY SHOW. (Bachelor producers: “Mua ha ha”)

This week’s episode shone for all the reasons that keep us diehard Bachelor fans so loyal. I have given these reasons endearing pet names for us all to have a consistent reference tool for seasons moving forward. Please enjoy.

• “Gym Class” – The classic group date where the girls play a sport and 90% of them have no idea what’s going on because they have not played since high school P.E. class (mind you, for some of them that was only like four years ago). Yet they have to compete and pretend they are “having fun with it” because they know Juan Pablo is secretly judging them and will not give them a rose unless they can at least do a header without falling on their face.
•                                                        ^^^^ Fail.
• “The Leap of Faith” – The one-on-one date where the couple jumps off of some ridiculously high cement structure (a bridge, in this case) and were able to do so for the following reasons: he was there for her, she trusts him, she felt secure with his arms around her, falling off a bridge is just like falling in love, and “if we can jump off a bridge together, we can do anything” (quote: Chelsie).
• “Rude Awakening” – Bachelor surprises girls early in the morning, pre-makeup/teeth brushing/bra wearing. Girls freak out because they are trying to give off the impression that they roll out of bed completely dolled up and smelling like the roses they are striving to receive. Highlight of this part was the professional Dog Lover, walking past JP in full hand-shield mode and not even stopping to say good morning. Like I’m sure he didn’t see you behind your hand. You are so stealth.
• “Meanies in Bikinis” – The jealousy-filled pool party complete with images of girls rubbing sunscreen on each other, cannonballing into the pool, and having chicken fights or, as one contestant so eloquently put it, “Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for twenty minutes.” Wait, you don’t want a beautiful, bikini clad woman straddling the neck of your future husband? Weird.

I’m actually kind of growing to love Juan Pabs as the Bachelor. I think this show has been lacking in a little Venezuelan flavour over the years. I enjoy how he tries to make every girl feel comfortable by serenading her with a Latin love song or busting out the salsa in random settings. He also knows that food is the way to a girl’s heart, so he’s got my vote.

I also don’t hate when he plays soccer. (See below. I think I’ve made my point.)

This week we have a special award going to Sharleen for MOST AWKWARD KISS EVER OF REALITY TV IN THE HISTORY OF REALITY TV. What WAS that?  I’m going to give her the benefit of a doubt here and suggest that either it was literally her first kiss and she has never even SEEN a kiss before… or Juan Pablo had really bad breath? Both would be valid excuses. Better luck next time, girl.

For those of you who have been wondering about the baby daddy of Cassandra, whose son isn’t exactly a spitting image of her, and whether her profession of “Former NBA Dancer” has something to do with this situation – here’s a little fun fact. Cassandra danced for the Detroit Pistons, and you guessed it, baby daddy is Rodney Stuckey, guard for the Pistons.

How cute are they, though?! I think they should give love another shot. Bachelor spin-off maybe – NBA Family edition. Sorry Juan Pabs, you’re not invited.

Drama and excitement and outrageous attempts at kisses aside, I have to conclude that this episode left me feeling quite sad. We had to say goodbye to our favourite free spirited nudist, Lucy. Now we’re just left with a bunch of confined spirits and clothed women.

Juan Pabs, I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Episode 2 – featuring a special guest appearance by Alcohol

I think the Bachelor producers may be rethinking their open bar strategy after this week’s episode.

24 year old Brazilian firecracker Victoria steals the show with her one-liners such as

• “I didn’t even have one glass [of champagne]”
•  “Life is all about straddling people… and things…”
•  “Juan Pablooooo.. hot tuuuubb.”

She may have not had one glass of champagne, but perhaps she had one bottle?  Victoria promptly switches gears when she breaks down hysterically, yelling at the film crew and hiding in the washroom while she professes her hate for poor Juan Pabs. Who obviously did nothing to deserve this. I’d bet Camilla hasn’t even thrown any tantrums yet that could prepare him for this disaster.

So maybe Victoria isn’t the ideal candidate for stepmother of Camilla – however, I’ve got to give it to her. She has the drunk girl waddle down to a T. She apologizes to Juan Pablo the next day and probably has no idea how she was acting, but the beauty of reality TV is she will find out soon enough!

Other than Victoria’s antics, viewers may have been slightly thrown off by the professional “Free Spirit” Lucy, who spends the majority of the episode without clothes because it makes her feel “closer to nature.”  Though this may seem like a cry for attention, that’s what censorship is for and the girl seems to be having a good time. No harm done, right folks?!

I’ve still got my money on this season’s villain being Sharleen, who has one of those faces that just naturally looks ticked off no matter what. She doesn’t go on a date this episode but seems to have realized she came across as ungrateful when accepting the “first impression rose,” so there might be hope for her yet. Who knows, maybe next episode we’ll even get to see her smile. Fingers crossed.

Oh, can we just take a moment to reflect on the awkwardness of every Bachelor episode that features a private concert on a one-on-one date starring some singer that no one would ever recognize? The couple runs over to the concert and is so excited because they “can’t believe Josh Krajick is here!”

Like you had any idea who Josh Krajick is. (Except if you’re me, who actually recognized him from season one of The X Factor USA – how embarrassing – but that’s a rare case).

So far I’d steer Juan Pabs into the open and waiting arms of Andi, the gorgeous and seemingly witty enough prosecutor; Kat, who got a one-on-one this week and likes to dance on stages with neon glow sticks so is obviously a stand-up human being; and an honorable mention to Lucy because she seems to love life and so do I. I should mention here that I have not seen any spoilers because no self-respecting reality TV junkie would EVER EVER DO THAT TO THEMSELF. EVER.

I will now leave you with this amazing video clip as I go to create a petition for it to be mandatory for a Bachelor contestant to bring her dog to every season from now on.