The Final Rose has Wilted

Well that was embarrassing.

Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor has come to a close and he is not exactly overwhelmed by adoring fans.

Note to all the people who actually wanted him to be the next Bachelor: DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. And by book I mean sexy foreign accent and sexy foreign body. I really feel like the bullet that was this season could have been dodged with just a little insight into Juan Pablo’s personality – for example, question #1: does he have one?

So Clare and Nikki are left vying for Juan Pablo’s heart abs, and each has concerns on their final date. This is a date normally reserved for the mushiest mush The Bachelor can serve up to its emotionally invested fans, complete with excessive sharing of feelings and hopes and dreams for the future.

On their last night, Clare and Nikki each cry and question their relationship with Juan Pabs.

Not exactly your idea pre-proposal date.

Clare is questioning Juan Pablo’s true character due to some offensive remarks he made to her off-camera (what, that’s so unlike him? Flashback to Andi’s fantasy suite date two weeks ago). Something along the lines of, “I barely know you, but I **** ******* ***.” (This is a family blog). Apparently Clare didn’t find that endearing.

Nikki presents Juan Pablo with a heartfelt card expressing her love to him and he responds with “See you tomorrow.” OUCH?

Eventually, Juan Pablo tells Clare to hit the road and she unleashes on him, ironically gaining a lot of respect from me and other viewers, according to the Twitterverse. Turns out she does have a backbone and a sense of self-worth, which is always a treat to see!

Nikki then accepts Juan Pablo’s proposal – not for marriage, but to keep… seeing each other? To accept his final rose? To continue being smothered by kisses? Juan Pabs follows up by telling Nikki “I like you a lot,” which is what every girl who is expecting to get engaged dreams of hearing.

Juan Pabs then tells Nikki, “Don’t get cranky, don’t get cranky” – okay the romance meter is really through the roof here. Whaaaaattt a sweetheart.

After the Final Rose

The After the Final Rose episode was probably the most painful reality TV I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. Like someone please give me a butter knife to cut this tension. Or at least a bottle of wine to endure it.

Juan Pablo just has no idea what’s going on. He is talking himself in circles and making more enemies with every word that comes out of his mouth. He interrupts Chris Harrison in a Kanye-like fashion multiple times throughout their interview. NO ONE CALLS OUT CHRIS HARRISON, PEOPLE.

Juan Pablo’s conversation skills can be summed up as follows:

He really has no idea why he is getting the less-than-lukewarm reception from fans of the show. To what extent can douchiness be excused by blaming a language barrier, your honesty, and your daughter? Who knows, but Juan Pabs is determined to find out.

Nikki is too – for lack of a better word – DUMB to stick up for herself or speak her mind. She sits under Juan Pablo’s arm as he rambles out excuses for himself, avoids saying he loves her, and disrespects Chris Harrison. Get out while you still can, girl!!

There is something real weird going on here too – I smell BS alllll over this “relationship”. Her and Juan Pablo seem as awkward and fake as can be. I wouldn’t be surprised if they haven’t seen each other since the show finished taping four months ago. Juan Pabs says they were planning on moving in together? Or something? But he then says plans drastically changed at the “Women Tell All” episode, and now they have zero plans for the future.

Anyway, I give it about three days until word gets out that they’re having a romantic getaway in Splitsville. Way to ruin the Bachelor‘s success spree, guys.

Adding to the awkwardness, Chris Harrison is obsessed with getting Juan Pablo to say he loves Nikki. She has said she loves Juan Pablo and he won’t say it back, so Chris Harrison asks him about 16 times throughout the episode if he loves her. It makes me so uncomfortable because Juan Pablo clearly only loves Camilla and his abs.

Don’t push it, Chris Harrison. Maybe this show doesn’t breed pure fairytale love stories every time? Just a thought. But whatever, it’s Chris Harrison and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

(Side note: Chris Harrison has one of those names you HAVE to say the first and last name for. “Chris” just doesn’t do him justice)

Moving On…

So all my dreams have come true and it is official – Andi will be the next Bachelorette, premiering on May 19^th! Sweet, precious, genuinely lookin’-for-love Andi. Can’t wait to see a real person with real feelings and real conversation skills show ‘em how this show’s done.

I guess this is it for our Juan Pablo blog-bash-fest. What a thrill it’s been – thanks to all my loyal readers (that means you, Mom) for joining me on this journey/adventure/whatever.

I will leave you with the notion that we can all sleep peacefully tonight knowing we’re not Nikki and Juan Pablo isn’t putting our hair behind our ears.

Good night.

Crunch time: Out come the claws.

Although my life is currently being consumed by term project pandemonium, last night’s episode of The Bachelor was such an emotional roller coaster that I just have to get a few things off my chest.

First order of business, PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK?!?! What is the ish with Andi’s dad/the Fantasy Suite?! Also, 2-part finale on Monday and Tuesday next week – time flies when you’re… watching people pretend to fall in love on TV.

(Do I need to reassess my priorities? Probably. I’ll just wait till after this season though)

 Of course, this leads me to Nikki, who boldly dropped the L-bomb when there were still 8 women left. Seems a little early for this kind of talk, no? Especially because I don’t see it AT ALL – Nikki definitely has her eyes on the prize, but the prize is beating 26 other women and winning a reality show contest, not a lifelong salsa dance with Juan Pabs.

I found it slightly alarming how her date consisted of meeting Juan Pablo’s daughter, parents, and baby momma. Seems a little soon. Not really sure if the daughter and ex had to meet your 1-in-8 chance of potential fiancée, hmm, Juan Pabs? The date seemed to go well enough, and even concluded with Camilla giving Nikki a Cheeto-flavoured kiss, but I can’t imagine that situation not being excruciatingly awkward, and I’m not so sure Nikki exudes authenticity and mother material.

Side note: Camilla’s mother is a babe and a half. Slightly intimidating for Nikki et al.?

The one thing that is helping with Nikki’s claim to be in love with Juan Pablo is she doesn’t exactly seem to crave the same “intellectual stimulation” as Sharleen does – which brings me to Sharleen’s exit.

Not really a shocker, as Sharleen definitely seems to be the wisest of the batch of women, and we all know when Juan Pablo’s not making out, his go-to contribution to any conversation is, “I like it.”

Riveting. Tell me more.

I’d also like to point out the recurring role of Renee here as Bachelor Counselor, SHE IS ALWAYS LISTENING TO EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS. Literally no one else listens but her. Such a mom.

Anyway, hope you find the man you’re looking for, Sharleen, and hope you like kissing him as much as you did Juan Pablo!

Finally, I can’t leave without discussing the catfight and awkward silence that took place between a jealous Clare and an arrogant Nikki. This is reality TV at its finest, I seriously think these two should audition for Real World or some sort of blonde edition of Jersey Shore. The two snap back and forth at each other, mostly just cutting each other off and then getting mad at each other for interrupting. Classic catfight.

After some endearing parting remarks (Clare: “You’re a piece of work, Nikki”; Nikki: “You’re f—ing crazy”), we get to hear Nikki’s perspective of the situation:

“Clare is like a dog. She peed on him first. She claimed her territory. And the fact is, she claimed some territory that might not be hers.”

PS Here’s a good display of the Crazy Clare eyes I’ve mentioned in previous posts:

 Right?

Anyway, let’s just say it’s a good thing group dates are a thing of the past and it’s onto hometowns and fantasy suites from here on out.

Either way, Juan Pabs, seems like you’ve got yourself a win-win with these ladies! Good luck buddy!