The Final Rose has Wilted

Well that was embarrassing.

Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor has come to a close and he is not exactly overwhelmed by adoring fans.

Note to all the people who actually wanted him to be the next Bachelor: DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. And by book I mean sexy foreign accent and sexy foreign body. I really feel like the bullet that was this season could have been dodged with just a little insight into Juan Pablo’s personality – for example, question #1: does he have one?

So Clare and Nikki are left vying for Juan Pablo’s heart abs, and each has concerns on their final date. This is a date normally reserved for the mushiest mush The Bachelor can serve up to its emotionally invested fans, complete with excessive sharing of feelings and hopes and dreams for the future.

On their last night, Clare and Nikki each cry and question their relationship with Juan Pabs.

Not exactly your idea pre-proposal date.

Clare is questioning Juan Pablo’s true character due to some offensive remarks he made to her off-camera (what, that’s so unlike him? Flashback to Andi’s fantasy suite date two weeks ago). Something along the lines of, “I barely know you, but I **** ******* ***.” (This is a family blog). Apparently Clare didn’t find that endearing.

Nikki presents Juan Pablo with a heartfelt card expressing her love to him and he responds with “See you tomorrow.” OUCH?

Eventually, Juan Pablo tells Clare to hit the road and she unleashes on him, ironically gaining a lot of respect from me and other viewers, according to the Twitterverse. Turns out she does have a backbone and a sense of self-worth, which is always a treat to see!

Nikki then accepts Juan Pablo’s proposal – not for marriage, but to keep… seeing each other? To accept his final rose? To continue being smothered by kisses? Juan Pabs follows up by telling Nikki “I like you a lot,” which is what every girl who is expecting to get engaged dreams of hearing.

Juan Pabs then tells Nikki, “Don’t get cranky, don’t get cranky” – okay the romance meter is really through the roof here. Whaaaaattt a sweetheart.

After the Final Rose

The After the Final Rose episode was probably the most painful reality TV I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. Like someone please give me a butter knife to cut this tension. Or at least a bottle of wine to endure it.

Juan Pablo just has no idea what’s going on. He is talking himself in circles and making more enemies with every word that comes out of his mouth. He interrupts Chris Harrison in a Kanye-like fashion multiple times throughout their interview. NO ONE CALLS OUT CHRIS HARRISON, PEOPLE.

Juan Pablo’s conversation skills can be summed up as follows:

He really has no idea why he is getting the less-than-lukewarm reception from fans of the show. To what extent can douchiness be excused by blaming a language barrier, your honesty, and your daughter? Who knows, but Juan Pabs is determined to find out.

Nikki is too – for lack of a better word – DUMB to stick up for herself or speak her mind. She sits under Juan Pablo’s arm as he rambles out excuses for himself, avoids saying he loves her, and disrespects Chris Harrison. Get out while you still can, girl!!

There is something real weird going on here too – I smell BS alllll over this “relationship”. Her and Juan Pablo seem as awkward and fake as can be. I wouldn’t be surprised if they haven’t seen each other since the show finished taping four months ago. Juan Pabs says they were planning on moving in together? Or something? But he then says plans drastically changed at the “Women Tell All” episode, and now they have zero plans for the future.

Anyway, I give it about three days until word gets out that they’re having a romantic getaway in Splitsville. Way to ruin the Bachelor‘s success spree, guys.

Adding to the awkwardness, Chris Harrison is obsessed with getting Juan Pablo to say he loves Nikki. She has said she loves Juan Pablo and he won’t say it back, so Chris Harrison asks him about 16 times throughout the episode if he loves her. It makes me so uncomfortable because Juan Pablo clearly only loves Camilla and his abs.

Don’t push it, Chris Harrison. Maybe this show doesn’t breed pure fairytale love stories every time? Just a thought. But whatever, it’s Chris Harrison and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

(Side note: Chris Harrison has one of those names you HAVE to say the first and last name for. “Chris” just doesn’t do him justice)

Moving On…

So all my dreams have come true and it is official – Andi will be the next Bachelorette, premiering on May 19^th! Sweet, precious, genuinely lookin’-for-love Andi. Can’t wait to see a real person with real feelings and real conversation skills show ‘em how this show’s done.

I guess this is it for our Juan Pablo blog-bash-fest. What a thrill it’s been – thanks to all my loyal readers (that means you, Mom) for joining me on this journey/adventure/whatever.

I will leave you with the notion that we can all sleep peacefully tonight knowing we’re not Nikki and Juan Pablo isn’t putting our hair behind our ears.

Good night.

The Women Roar All

Screenshot from tonight’s episode, The Bachelor: Women Tell All

That pretty much sums it up!

Juan Pabs, I’m not so sure you can “language of loooove” your way out of this one.

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PS, fun fact – A little birdie tells me that Renee, who mentioned being happy in her post-Bachelor “situation”, is actually engaged! Onto the next one for this momma!

Your Guide to Blogging & Bacheloretting

As per request from one of my 3-4 loyal readers, Geoffrey Bird (aka instructor of my website design course at BCIT, for which this post is required)… and since I have six blog posts under my belt, which basically makes me an expert… I will do my readers the honour of presenting 5 tips for great blog posts.

Coincidentally, these tips also work for becoming a successful contestant on The Bachelor.

Please get out your pens and papers, because whether your path takes you into the world of blogging or onto a weird dating competition reality show, you’ll want to keep this advice in mind!

 

1) Show your personality

Both your blog readers and Juan Pablo want to see your personality. Readers and bachelors alike want some sense of your opinion and uniqueness to keep them coming back for more. Otherwise they will just go to the local tabloid or back to their ex-girlfriend. Don’t be afraid to be silly, make a fool of yourself (but not TOO much of a fool – ie. easy on the champagne) and crack a joke or two. Otherwise, no rose for you!

 

2) Keep it short and sweet

This goes for your one-on-one time with the Bachelor, as well as your blog posts. You don’t want to be caught rambling your way through either of these scenarios. This will just lead to embarrassment and the scaring off of Juan Pabs and/or your readers. Not ideal.

 

3) Be yourself

Juan Pabs doesn’t want any phonies, and neither do your readers! Authenticity is key, and this ties in with the “Show your personality” tip as well. Readers and bachelors know when you’re being insincere. Let your true self shine, and if it doesn’t, you better be citing your source, girl!

 

4) Be scan-able

For blogs, this means breaking up your text with some pictures (or clearly in my case, gifs), bullet points, headings, or anything else to help direct your readers’ eyes. Sometimes we find ourselves scrolling through blogs while doing other tasks, such as, I don’t know, watching reality TV, and we want to be able to get a sense of the blog post without having to read the whole thing!

For you bachelorettes, this means make yourself look presentable. If Juan Pabs can scan you and you don’t give the impression of a homeless person, prostitute, or all around hot mess, you have obviously read this blog post and you’re good to move on to the next round!

 

5) Portray a similar theme.

This will explain to you why I’m not writing about politics every second week. Trust me, I have resisted the urge and it hasn’t been easy. If you see a blog post on Reality Bites that is not reality TV related, I encourage you to call the blog police and have me deported back to Facebook.

For bachelorette contestants, a similar theme means DON’T BE A DIFFERENT PERSON TO JUAN PABS THAN YOU ARE TO THE OTHER WOMEN. This leads to women not liking you, and this leads to you being the drama queen of the season. Take it from Vienna – it’s not worth it!