Keeners ‘n’ K-Pop

This week our favourite Venezuelan Bachelor and his wannabe baby mommas took their talents (although I use that phrase loosely) to Seoul, South Korea, to do some Seoul searching. And find their Seoul mates. And bare their Seouls to each other.

… K I’m done.

The two main conclusions I drew from this episode are as follows:

a)    The standouts of this season of The Bachelor are split between keeners *cough* Clare, Kat… and anti-keeners *cough* Nikki, Sharleen.

• Criteria for being a keener: Try your hardest to catch Juan Pablo’s attention, or in Kat’s case, the entire South Korean teenybopper population’s attention

• Criteria for being an anti-keener: DO NOT be keen on life. Be as negative and as unimpressed as possible. Keep your smiling to a minimum. Getting flown around the world on a reality TV show and possibly finding your husband is a huge burden, so act like it.

b)   Juan Pablo has a new favourite genre of music.

And it’s called K-Pop.

So this week the ladies were able to live out the childhood dream of every little girl: background dancing for the South Korean version of Spice Girls.

Kat takes the liberty of combining the looks of Baby Spice with the dancing of Scary Spice – k just kidding, she actually is a good dancer, but she just needs to relax a bit. Unless her goal in life is to literally become a K-Pop background dancer, in which case I say WORK IT GIRL.

On the other hand we have Nikki,  who would rather go spend the day in North Korea than dance to K Pop. Just a Pouty McPouterson. Zero fun. Worst day ever.

Sharleen, usually known for being the least keen on life, actually opens up a bit this episode and pays Juan Pabs the heartfelt compliment of telling him “You are not bland.” WHOA SHARLEEN TURN DOWN THE MUSH. Getting way too sentimental up in here.

Seriously though, Juan Pabs loves her. Calling it now, final 3: Sharleen, Claire, and Andi. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. No spoilers, just been watching the show enough years to know true Bachelor love when I see it!

Finally rounding out the keeners category is Clare, who is really not making any best friends in the Bachelor house on the account of she feels the need to sit on Juan Pabs’ lap everywhere they go. She also has that thing in her eyes… I’m no expert but I think they call it… crazy?

Well that concludes this segment of Keeners ‘n’ K-Pop. Until next time, please turn your volume on full blast and enjoy the female version of Gangnam Style:

Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty cast members revealed!

Breaking News: CBS posted the cast members for season 28 of Survivor!!!!

Click to check out what we have to work with!

WHO WILL ALIGN WITH WHO?

WHO WILL BACKSTAB WHO?

WHO WILL STEAL THE HEARTS OF AMERICA?

WHO WILL EAT THE BUGS AND BRAINS WITHOUT THROWING UP?

WHO WILL OUTWIT, OUTPLAY, AND OUTLAST ALL THE OTHERS?!?!?!?

And most importantly, WHO WILL BE THE VILLAIN I CAN ANALYZE AND PATRONIZE THIS SEASON? You know what they say… Reality bites.

February 26 just can’t come soon enough.

As per Chris Harrison’s prediction, the drama has begun.

Wait a second.

So you’re telling me… if you throw 20 girls into a pool party with one guy… a guy they’re all trying to date/marry… the girls are going to get catty and jealous? BACHELOR PRODUCERS, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?! ‘BOUT TIME SOMEONE MADE THIS INTO A REALITY SHOW. (Bachelor producers: “Mua ha ha”)

This week’s episode shone for all the reasons that keep us diehard Bachelor fans so loyal. I have given these reasons endearing pet names for us all to have a consistent reference tool for seasons moving forward. Please enjoy.

• “Gym Class” – The classic group date where the girls play a sport and 90% of them have no idea what’s going on because they have not played since high school P.E. class (mind you, for some of them that was only like four years ago). Yet they have to compete and pretend they are “having fun with it” because they know Juan Pablo is secretly judging them and will not give them a rose unless they can at least do a header without falling on their face.
•                                                        ^^^^ Fail.
• “The Leap of Faith” – The one-on-one date where the couple jumps off of some ridiculously high cement structure (a bridge, in this case) and were able to do so for the following reasons: he was there for her, she trusts him, she felt secure with his arms around her, falling off a bridge is just like falling in love, and “if we can jump off a bridge together, we can do anything” (quote: Chelsie).
• “Rude Awakening” – Bachelor surprises girls early in the morning, pre-makeup/teeth brushing/bra wearing. Girls freak out because they are trying to give off the impression that they roll out of bed completely dolled up and smelling like the roses they are striving to receive. Highlight of this part was the professional Dog Lover, walking past JP in full hand-shield mode and not even stopping to say good morning. Like I’m sure he didn’t see you behind your hand. You are so stealth.
• “Meanies in Bikinis” – The jealousy-filled pool party complete with images of girls rubbing sunscreen on each other, cannonballing into the pool, and having chicken fights or, as one contestant so eloquently put it, “Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for twenty minutes.” Wait, you don’t want a beautiful, bikini clad woman straddling the neck of your future husband? Weird.

I’m actually kind of growing to love Juan Pabs as the Bachelor. I think this show has been lacking in a little Venezuelan flavour over the years. I enjoy how he tries to make every girl feel comfortable by serenading her with a Latin love song or busting out the salsa in random settings. He also knows that food is the way to a girl’s heart, so he’s got my vote.

I also don’t hate when he plays soccer. (See below. I think I’ve made my point.)

This week we have a special award going to Sharleen for MOST AWKWARD KISS EVER OF REALITY TV IN THE HISTORY OF REALITY TV. What WAS that?  I’m going to give her the benefit of a doubt here and suggest that either it was literally her first kiss and she has never even SEEN a kiss before… or Juan Pablo had really bad breath? Both would be valid excuses. Better luck next time, girl.

For those of you who have been wondering about the baby daddy of Cassandra, whose son isn’t exactly a spitting image of her, and whether her profession of “Former NBA Dancer” has something to do with this situation – here’s a little fun fact. Cassandra danced for the Detroit Pistons, and you guessed it, baby daddy is Rodney Stuckey, guard for the Pistons.

How cute are they, though?! I think they should give love another shot. Bachelor spin-off maybe – NBA Family edition. Sorry Juan Pabs, you’re not invited.

Drama and excitement and outrageous attempts at kisses aside, I have to conclude that this episode left me feeling quite sad. We had to say goodbye to our favourite free spirited nudist, Lucy. Now we’re just left with a bunch of confined spirits and clothed women.

Juan Pabs, I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Episode 2 – featuring a special guest appearance by Alcohol

I think the Bachelor producers may be rethinking their open bar strategy after this week’s episode.

24 year old Brazilian firecracker Victoria steals the show with her one-liners such as

• “I didn’t even have one glass [of champagne]”
•  “Life is all about straddling people… and things…”
•  “Juan Pablooooo.. hot tuuuubb.”

She may have not had one glass of champagne, but perhaps she had one bottle?  Victoria promptly switches gears when she breaks down hysterically, yelling at the film crew and hiding in the washroom while she professes her hate for poor Juan Pabs. Who obviously did nothing to deserve this. I’d bet Camilla hasn’t even thrown any tantrums yet that could prepare him for this disaster.

So maybe Victoria isn’t the ideal candidate for stepmother of Camilla – however, I’ve got to give it to her. She has the drunk girl waddle down to a T. She apologizes to Juan Pablo the next day and probably has no idea how she was acting, but the beauty of reality TV is she will find out soon enough!

Other than Victoria’s antics, viewers may have been slightly thrown off by the professional “Free Spirit” Lucy, who spends the majority of the episode without clothes because it makes her feel “closer to nature.”  Though this may seem like a cry for attention, that’s what censorship is for and the girl seems to be having a good time. No harm done, right folks?!

I’ve still got my money on this season’s villain being Sharleen, who has one of those faces that just naturally looks ticked off no matter what. She doesn’t go on a date this episode but seems to have realized she came across as ungrateful when accepting the “first impression rose,” so there might be hope for her yet. Who knows, maybe next episode we’ll even get to see her smile. Fingers crossed.

Oh, can we just take a moment to reflect on the awkwardness of every Bachelor episode that features a private concert on a one-on-one date starring some singer that no one would ever recognize? The couple runs over to the concert and is so excited because they “can’t believe Josh Krajick is here!”

Like you had any idea who Josh Krajick is. (Except if you’re me, who actually recognized him from season one of The X Factor USA – how embarrassing – but that’s a rare case).

So far I’d steer Juan Pabs into the open and waiting arms of Andi, the gorgeous and seemingly witty enough prosecutor; Kat, who got a one-on-one this week and likes to dance on stages with neon glow sticks so is obviously a stand-up human being; and an honorable mention to Lucy because she seems to love life and so do I. I should mention here that I have not seen any spoilers because no self-respecting reality TV junkie would EVER EVER DO THAT TO THEMSELF. EVER.

I will now leave you with this amazing video clip as I go to create a petition for it to be mandatory for a Bachelor contestant to bring her dog to every season from now on.

Premiere of Juan-uary!

Well folks, Juan-uary is now upon us and let me tell you – this season promises to be the MOST. DRAMATIC. SEASON. YET. Bet you haven’t heard that one before.

The premiere episode treats us with the usual gimmicks we have come to love and expect from ABC’s hit show, The Bachelor. The episode starts off with a glimpse into Juan Pablo’s exciting, family-oriented life,  supplemented with various images of the following traditional introduce-the-Bachelor scenes:

• Shirtless JP running along the ocean.
• Zoom in on his pectoral muscle.
• JP doing a sexy latin dance move. By himself. Under a bridge or something.
• Shirtless JP playing beach volleyball.
• Painfully adorable scenes of JP and his daughter Camilla.

Can’t you feel all the single women’s hearts in America melting? Overall, Juan Pabs seems like a good guy who will undoubtedly be working his sexy Spanish accent for all it’s worth – or as he calls it, the “language of llloooove.”

Next up we have the token appearance by a past Bachelor with his inspirational speech on how you can find true love on the show. Or should I say, journey. Or adventure. Whatever. Sean is still sporting his Ken-doll smile but seems to have lost his Ken-doll tan and physique somewhere along his journey/adventure of being engaged. However, sounds like him and Catherine are still going strong! Let this serve as proof to all you skeptics out there. THE SHOW DOES WORK. Okay, it has worked five out of 24 times throughout all the seasons, but that’s five couples who would not otherwise have found each other, am I right?!

Moving onto the part everyone loves to hate in the premiere: limo arrivals and introductions. This part literally makes me cringe, as awkward conversations may be my least favourite thing in life. However, I think it’s important for us viewers to keep in mind that it can’t be easy to come up with something witty/endearing/enticing to say in 15 seconds to your future husband on live television.  So let’s all just excuse Cassandra for the longest awkward silence in Bach history and Clare, who pretended to be pregnant, on account of stage fright. Or on account of they’ve never had a social encounter before. Who knows.

This batch of women possesses the usual assortment of reputable occupations. Here are a couple of my personal faves:

• Kelly, occupation “Dog Lover.” This may sound like a bit of a joke to some of you, but to me this is fantastic news and opens up my eyes to a whole new career opportunity I didn’t even know existed. I think I’m set for life (shout out to my golden doodle, Barney. Love ya Barns!!).
• Lucy, occupation “Free Spirit.” Not sure how the pay would be, but I think I can speak for all viewers when I say we are all just jealous that we have to wear shoes and she doesn’t.
• Cassandra, occupation “Former NBA Dancer.” Obviously not as proud of her current occupation.
• Lauren, occupation “Mineral Coordinator.” Another crucial profession. Think of all the uncoordinated minerals we would have to deal with if not for her.

Aside from coordinating minerals, Lauren claimed the position of “The Bachelor Premiere Hysterical Crier” due to her recent heartbreak which left her with ample insecurities to face on The Bachelor. Although the tears seemed a little much, I think we can all agree we would be a little out of our element in that 27:1 ratio as well. Don’t worry Lauren, all is not lost. With any luck, you’ll be on the next season of Bachelor Pad.

The number one contestant in the running for this season’s villain goes to Sharleen, who reluctantly accepts the first impression rose – an honour the rest of the women would rip each other’s hair out for – with a frown and a “seriously?” Another painfully awkward conversation follows, including Sharleen addressing JP as “sir.” Not quite the pet name you would expect for a future husband. Classic case of playing hard to get, and Juan Pablo is falling for it like the romantic sucker he is. Can’t wait to see how this one plays out.

Most embarrassing moment of episode one goes to Kylie, who mishears Kat’s name as her own at the rose ceremony and steps forward to accept the rose. When JP corrected her she followed up by asking him “Can you take both of us?” only to be shut down awkwardly by JP – and later, sent home. This may be a case where Juan Pablo’s “language of lllooooove” should be sacrificed a bit for “enunciation.”

Woopsie.

Looks like good ol’ Juan Pabs has his work cut out for him this season, but I’m sure he’ll have no problem salsa dancing his way into the hearts of 99% of these women. And we all know what happens when you have more than one girl fighting for the same guy, fueled by champagne. Let the drama begin!