Premiere of Juan-uary!

Well folks, Juan-uary is now upon us and let me tell you – this season promises to be the MOST. DRAMATIC. SEASON. YET. Bet you haven’t heard that one before.


The premiere episode treats us with the usual gimmicks we have come to love and expect from ABC’s hit show, The Bachelor. The episode starts off with a glimpse into Juan Pablo’s exciting, family-oriented life,  supplemented with various images of the following traditional introduce-the-Bachelor scenes:

  • Shirtless JP running along the ocean.tumblr_mz1n6tIRYX1s3y9slo2_500
  • Zoom in on his pectoral muscle.
  • JP doing a sexy latin dance move. By himself. Under a bridge or something.
  • Shirtless JP playing beach volleyball.
  • Painfully adorable scenes of JP and his daughter Camilla.

Can’t you feel all the single women’s hearts in America melting? Overall, Juan Pabs seems like a good guy who will undoubtedly be working his sexy Spanish accent for all it’s worth – or as he calls it, the “language of llloooove.”

Next up we have the token appearance by a past Bachelor with his inspirational speech on how you can find true love on the show. Or should I say, journey. Or adventure. Whatever. Sean is still sporting his Ken-doll smile but seems to have lost his Ken-doll tan and physique somewhere along his journey/adventure of being engaged. However, sounds like him and Catherine are still going strong! Let this serve as proof to all you skeptics out there. THE SHOW DOES WORK. Okay, it has worked five out of 24 times throughout all the seasons, but that’s five couples who would not otherwise have found each other, am I right?!

Moving onto the part everyone loves to hate in the premiere: limo arrivals and introductions. This part literally makes me cringe, as awkward conversations may be my least favourite thing in life. However, I think it’s important for us viewers to keep in mind that it can’t be easy to come up with something witty/endearing/enticing to say in 15 seconds to your future husband on live television.  So let’s all just excuse Cassandra for the longest awkward silence in Bach history and Clare, who pretended to be pregnant, on account of stage fright. Or on account of they’ve never had a social encounter before. Who knows.

This batch of women possesses the usual assortment of reputable occupations. Here are a couple of my personal faves:

  • Kelly, occupation “Dog Lover.” This may sound like a bit of a joke to some of you, but to me this is fantastic news and opens up my eyes to a whole new career opportunity I didn’t even know existed. I think I’m set for life (shout out to my golden doodle, Barney. Love ya Barns!!).
  • Lucy, occupation “Free Spirit.” Not sure how the pay would be, but I think I can speak for all viewers when I say we are all just jealous that we have to wear shoes and she doesn’t.
  • Cassandra, occupation “Former NBA Dancer.” Obviously not as proud of her current occupation.
  • Lauren, occupation “Mineral Coordinator.” Another crucial profession. Think of all the uncoordinated minerals we would have to deal with if not for her.

Aside from coordinating minerals, Lauren claimed the position of “The Bachelor Premiere Hysterical Crier” due to her recent heartbreak which left her with ample insecurities to face on The Bachelor. Although the tears seemed a little much, I think we can all agree we would be a little out of our element in that 27:1 ratio as well. Don’t worry Lauren, all is not lost. With any luck, you’ll be on the next season of Bachelor Pad.

The number one contestant in the running for this season’s villain goes to Sharleen, who reluctantly accepts the first impression rose – an honour the rest of the women would rip each other’s hair out for – with a frown and a “seriously?” Another painfully awkward conversation follows, including Sharleen addressing JP as “sir.” Not quite the pet name you would expect for a future husband. Classic case of playing hard to get, and Juan Pablo is falling for it like the romantic sucker he is. Can’t wait to see how this one plays out.


Most embarrassing moment of episode one goes to Kylie, who mishears Kat’s name as her own at the rose ceremony and steps forward to accept the rose. When JP corrected her she followed up by asking him “Can you take both of us?” only to be shut down awkwardly by JP – and later, sent home. This may be a case where Juan Pablo’s “language of lllooooove” should be sacrificed a bit for “enunciation.”


Looks like good ol’ Juan Pabs has his work cut out for him this season, but I’m sure he’ll have no problem salsa dancing his way into the hearts of 99% of these women. And we all know what happens when you have more than one girl fighting for the same guy, fueled by champagne. Let the drama begin!


4 thoughts on “Premiere of Juan-uary!

  1. Author- love your work as always. Just a suggestion from a huge fan; could you make your posts a bit longer? They just end too quickly. Thank you sincerely.

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