“The waves were wild but we were wild too” – spoken too soon?

Dear Camila,

Tonight your daddy went for a nice swim in the ocean with his friend Clare. They were just playing a game of Marco Polo and looking for fishies at a time that was way waaayyyy past your bedtime. Also, even though you might think your daddy is kissing a lot (a LOT) of women, remember that he is just being polite. These are all normal things that adults do, but you won’t have to worry about them. Ever. In your life.

Now, what channel is Dora the Explorer on?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Juan Pablo,

Now I’m no expert at dating 11 people at once, but let’s just take this lemon of an episode and make some lemonade with the following advice:

Do not indulge in “pure bliss in every way” (quote: Clare) while frolicking in the ocean with a woman one night, and then follow up by telling her you regret said frolicking, because you don’t want to set a bad example for your daughter. As if it was all Clare’s fault.

Your Latino dance moves suggest that you’re familiar with the expression, “it takes two to tango.” Whether this tangoing is on land or in water, clothed or unclothed, Clare wasn’t playing Marco Polo by herself! Get it together, Juan Pabs!

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Clare,

WOMEN BE JEALOUS. MEN BE CONFUSING.

Hakuna matata, girl!

________________________________________________________________________

Sincerely,

Reality Bites

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Keeners ‘n’ K-Pop

This week our favourite Venezuelan Bachelor and his wannabe baby mommas took their talents (although I use that phrase loosely) to Seoul, South Korea, to do some Seoul searching. And find their Seoul mates. And bare their Seouls to each other.

… K I’m done.

The two main conclusions I drew from this episode are as follows:

a)    The standouts of this season of The Bachelor are split between keeners *cough* Clare, Kat… and anti-keeners *cough* Nikki, Sharleen.

  • Criteria for being a keener: Try your hardest to catch Juan Pablo’s attention, or in Kat’s case, the entire South Korean teenybopper population’s attention
  • Criteria for being an anti-keener: DO NOT be keen on life. Be as negative and as unimpressed as possible. Keep your smiling to a minimum. Getting flown around the world on a reality TV show and possibly finding your husband is a huge burden, so act like it.

b)   Juan Pablo has a new favourite genre of music.

And it’s called K-Pop.

kpop

So this week the ladies were able to live out the childhood dream of every little girl: background dancing for the South Korean version of Spice Girls.

Kat takes the liberty of combining the looks of Baby Spice with the dancing of Scary Spice – k just kidding, she actually is a good dancer, but she just needs to relax a bit. Unless her goal in life is to literally become a K-Pop background dancer, in which case I say WORK IT GIRL.

On the other hand we have Nikki,  who would rather go spend the day in North Korea than dance to K Pop. Just a Pouty McPouterson. Zero fun. Worst day ever.

Sharleen, usually known for being the least keen on life, actually opens up a bit this episode and pays Juan Pabs the heartfelt compliment of telling him “You are not bland.” WHOA SHARLEEN TURN DOWN THE MUSH. Getting way too sentimental up in here.

Seriously though, Juan Pabs loves her. Calling it now, final 3: Sharleen, Claire, and Andi. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. No spoilers, just been watching the show enough years to know true Bachelor love when I see it!
sharleenclareandi

Finally rounding out the keeners category is Clare, who is really not making any best friends in the Bachelor house on the account of she feels the need to sit on Juan Pabs’ lap everywhere they go. She also has that thing in her eyes… I’m no expert but I think they call it… crazy?

Well that concludes this segment of Keeners ‘n’ K-Pop. Until next time, please turn your volume on full blast and enjoy the female version of Gangnam Style:

As per Chris Harrison’s prediction, the drama has begun.

Wait a second.

So you’re telling me… if you throw 20 girls into a pool party with one guy… a guy they’re all trying to date/marry… the girls are going to get catty and jealous? BACHELOR PRODUCERS, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?! ‘BOUT TIME SOMEONE MADE THIS INTO A REALITY SHOW. (Bachelor producers: “Mua ha ha”)

This week’s episode shone for all the reasons that keep us diehard Bachelor fans so loyal. I have given these reasons endearing pet names for us all to have a consistent reference tool for seasons moving forward. Please enjoy.

  • “Gym Class” – The classic group date where the girls play a sport and 90% of them have no idea what’s going on because they have not played since high school P.E. class (mind you, for some of them that was only like four years ago). Yet they have to compete and pretend they are “having fun with it” because they know Juan Pablo is secretly judging them and will not give them a rose unless they can at least do a header without falling on their face.
  • tumblr_mzqrzsqPT51tohycao1_400                                                       ^^^^ Fail.
  • “The Leap of Faith” – The one-on-one date where the couple jumps off of some ridiculously high cement structure (a bridge, in this case) and were able to do so for the following reasons: he was there for her, she trusts him, she felt secure with his arms around her, falling off a bridge is just like falling in love, and “if we can jump off a bridge together, we can do anything” (quote: Chelsie).
  • “Rude Awakening” – Bachelor surprises girls early in the morning, pre-makeup/teeth brushing/bra wearing. Girls freak out because they are trying to give off the impression that they roll out of bed completely dolled up and smelling like the roses they are striving to receive. Highlight of this part was the professional Dog Lover, walking past JP in full hand-shield mode and not even stopping to say good morning. Like I’m sure he didn’t see you behind your hand. You are so stealth.
  • “Meanies in Bikinis” – The jealousy-filled pool party complete with images of girls rubbing sunscreen on each other, cannonballing into the pool, and having chicken fights or, as one contestant so eloquently put it, “Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for twenty minutes.” Wait, you don’t want a beautiful, bikini clad woman straddling the neck of your future husband? Weird.

I’m actually kind of growing to love Juan Pabs as the Bachelor. I think this show has been lacking in a little Venezuelan flavour over the years. I enjoy how he tries to make every girl feel comfortable by serenading her with a Latin love song or busting out the salsa in random settings. He also knows that food is the way to a girl’s heart, so he’s got my vote.

I also don’t hate when he plays soccer. (See below. I think I’ve made my point.)

tumblr_mzrfhlAJEj1r49h1po1_250

anigif_enhanced-buzz-3961-1390292623-20This week we have a special award going to Sharleen for MOST AWKWARD KISS EVER OF REALITY TV IN THE HISTORY OF REALITY TV. What WAS that?  I’m going to give her the benefit of a doubt here and suggest that either it was literally her first kiss and she has never even SEEN a kiss before… or Juan Pablo had really bad breath? Both would be valid excuses. Better luck next time, girl.

For those of you who have been wondering about the baby daddy of Cassandra, whose son isn’t exactly a spitting image of her, and whether her profession of “Former NBA Dancer” has something to do with this situation – here’s a little fun fact. Cassandra danced for the Detroit Pistons, and you guessed it, baby daddy is Rodney Stuckey, guard for the Pistons.

Cassandra4How cute are they, though?! I think they should give love another shot. Bachelor spin-off maybe – NBA Family edition. Sorry Juan Pabs, you’re not invited.

Drama and excitement and outrageous attempts at kisses aside, I have to conclude that this episode left me feeling quite sad. We had to say goodbye to our favourite free spirited nudist, Lucy. Now we’re just left with a bunch of confined spirits and clothed women.

Juan Pabs, I hope you’re happy with yourself.