Team Andi

This week’s Bachelor episode has been extremely eye-opening to me in the realization that there are two different types of Bachelor contestants.

There are contestants – I won’t say any names (Clare and Nikki) – who are wooed by a sexy accent and a hot body. They are blinded by fancy dates and the idea of “winning” the man. They don’t desire any deep or insightful conversation, but are content talking about how beautiful the scenery is and hearing how pretty they look tonight.

Then there are contestants like Andi.

On the fantasy suite date, Andi had a rude awakening when she came to realize the true character of good ol’ Juan Pablo. According to Andi, Juan Pablo spent the night sharing stories upon stories about himself, name-dropping, telling her he spent the previous night in the fantasy suite with Clare, and not asking Andi anything about her life. He also told her that she “barely made” the cut for the top three women.

In contrast, according to Juan Pablo, they had a great night and they talked and talked and talked and made easy other laugh. And he “likes Andi” (WAIT, Juan Pablo “likes” something?! What?!).

I believe that we need more Andis in both The Bachelor and in this world.

Andi is a strong, intelligent woman who knows what she wants. She has confidence and a personality and can actually hold a meaningful conversation. Unfortunately, this cannot be said of enough women on the show.

Yes, she may have thought she was falling in love with Juan Pablo due to the exotic scenery and exciting dates that involve playing in waterfalls – and hey, who wouldn’t? – but after one night without the cameras, she realized that she was maybe falling in love with the idea of him, but Juan Pablo is not the man for her.

As Andi puts it, she wants a man that loves her more than he loves himself. That’s the dream, isn’t it ladies?

As Andi tells Juan Pablo that it’s not working for her, his immediate response is “Ees oh-kay” (Juan Pablo for “it’s okay”). As Andi then states, no, it’s not okay.

Attention all men: If a woman comes to you with a problem and she is clearly looking to talk about it, YOU TALK ABOUT IT. Especially if that woman was about a week away from accepting your marriage proposal. It is not okay.

Juan Pablo also excuses his behaviour by saying he was “just being honest” and blaming Andi’s interpretation of the night on a language barrier.

Andi’s response: “There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole.”

PREEEACH.

Well, I think it’s about time to end my feminist rant here. Just had to get that out there.

I encourage everyone to read this Huffington post article, which provides a great take on how Andi is the exception to The Bachelor’s unrealistic version of reality.

You lost a good one, Juan Pabs! Where’s the petition to make Andi the next Bachelorette?

Crunch time: Out come the claws.

Although my life is currently being consumed by term project pandemonium, last night’s episode of The Bachelor was such an emotional roller coaster that I just have to get a few things off my chest.

First order of business, PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK?!?! What is the ish with Andi’s dad/the Fantasy Suite?! Also, 2-part finale on Monday and Tuesday next week – time flies when you’re… watching people pretend to fall in love on TV.

(Do I need to reassess my priorities? Probably. I’ll just wait till after this season though)

nikki-shy-bachelor-w352 Of course, this leads me to Nikki, who boldly dropped the L-bomb when there were still 8 women left. Seems a little early for this kind of talk, no? Especially because I don’t see it AT ALL – Nikki definitely has her eyes on the prize, but the prize is beating 26 other women and winning a reality show contest, not a lifelong salsa dance with Juan Pabs.

I found it slightly alarming how her date consisted of meeting Juan Pablo’s daughter, parents, and baby momma. Seems a little soon. Not really sure if the daughter and ex had to meet your 1-in-8 chance of potential fiancée, hmm, Juan Pabs? The date seemed to go well enough, and even concluded with Camilla giving Nikki a Cheeto-flavoured kiss, but I can’t imagine that situation not being excruciatingly awkward, and I’m not so sure Nikki exudes authenticity and mother material.

Side note: Camilla’s mother is a babe and a half. Slightly intimidating for Nikki et al.?

carla-

The one thing that is helping with Nikki’s claim to be in love with Juan Pablo is she doesn’t exactly seem to crave the same “intellectual stimulation” as Sharleen does – which brings me to Sharleen’s exit.

Not really a shocker, as Sharleen definitely seems to be the wisest of the batch of women, and we all know when Juan Pablo’s not making out, his go-to contribution to any conversation is, “I like it.”

Riveting. Tell me more.

I’d also like to point out the recurring role of Renee here as Bachelor Counselor, SHE IS ALWAYS LISTENING TO EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS. Literally no one else listens but her. Such a mom.

Anyway, hope you find the man you’re looking for, Sharleen, and hope you like kissing him as much as you did Juan Pablo!

anigif_enhanced-buzz-3961-1390292623-20

nikkivsclare-1390958374Finally, I can’t leave without discussing the catfight and awkward silence that took place between a jealous Clare and an arrogant Nikki. This is reality TV at its finest, I seriously think these two should audition for Real World or some sort of blonde edition of Jersey Shore. The two snap back and forth at each other, mostly just cutting each other off and then getting mad at each other for interrupting. Classic catfight.

After some endearing parting remarks (Clare: “You’re a piece of work, Nikki”; Nikki: “You’re f—ing crazy”), we get to hear Nikki’s perspective of the situation:

“Clare is like a dog. She peed on him first. She claimed her territory. And the fact is, she claimed some territory that might not be hers.”

PS Here’s a good display of the Crazy Clare eyes I’ve mentioned in previous posts:

crazy clare Right?

Anyway, let’s just say it’s a good thing group dates are a thing of the past and it’s onto hometowns and fantasy suites from here on out.

Either way, Juan Pabs, seems like you’ve got yourself a win-win with these ladies! Good luck buddy!

Hot Crazy Scale

This week’s episode of The Bachelor has prompted me to consult an extremely relevant tool in helping Juan Pabs make the final decision on the woman he wants to marry. He’s down to 6 girls now and it’s important to look at each one of them very carefully, in terms of the:

Hot Crazy Scale

The Hot Crazy Scale, as defined by Barney Stinson in CBS’ hit show How I Met Your Mother, is described by the following video clip.

Basically, a girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally as hot. I will now analyze the remaining Bachelor contestants based on this extremely reliable dating tool. It is my humble, nonjudgemental opinion that the final 6 women pining after Juan Pablo’s heart belong in the following arrangement on the Hot Crazy Scale:

hot crazy

Andi

andiThe clear choice for Juan Pablo, based on the Hot Crazy Scale, is Andi. I have zero concern about Andi going off like a crazy person. Yes, she has her concerns and her ups and downs, but this is only natural when your potential future husband is dating other women in double-digit numbers. She has a level head, an easygoing and fun attitude, and has not set off any warning signals of craziness. She is also clearly a babe.

Sharleen

sharleenSharleen’s position on the Hot Crazy Scale is debatable. My personal opinion is that she is a gorgeous and classy woman (who just happens to be Canadian – represent) but I wouldn’t fall off my couch in shock if she pulled any crazy moves this season. What I mean is, if there was a Bachelor-themed casino out there, I would place a bet that Sharleen can’t handle the weirdness of the situation anymore and peaces out on her own terms. All season long, she seems to be dealing with an internal struggle on whether she likes Juan Pabs or not, and this is fair enough! I do appreciate her realistic, down-to-earth mindset. However, she shed more than a couple tears because her friend Kat didn’t get a rose tonight, and this hints a bit of crazy to me. Just sayin’.

Renee

reneeRenee: the mom of the house. The one every woman goes to for advice, to vent, or for simply a shoulder to cry on. Renee’s heart is definitely in the right place, but unfortunately I think this place equates to a Stage 5 Clinger (a whole new scale, that I won’t get into here) for Juan Pabs. Renee pulls the moves of every classic Bachelor contestant, including pining for weeks for that “first kiss,” being head over heels with the guy before she’s even gotten a first date, and wearing rose-coloured glasses for everything Juan Pabs-related. This type of head-in-the-clouds behaviour could definitely end up tipping Renee into the crazy zone.

Chelsie

chelsieOh, young sweet Chelsie. Teetering on the line of hot and crazy. If Chels has shown any signs of craziness, I would definitely attribute it to her age. She is a young 24 and seems to have her heart set on getting married via this show. Speaking as a fellow 24 year old, I can emphasize that there is NO RUSH HERE and I think Chels should just relax and enjoy her early twenties while she can. Whether this sense of immaturity could lead to crazy, only time will tell!

Nikki

nikkiWith Nikki, it may be easy to confuse “crazy” with “negativity” but for now she remains just above the crazy line. Her reluctance to participate in seemingly “fun” events such as dancing in a K Pop performance and repelling into the cave in Vietnam raise the suspicion that this girl could be slightly high maintenance and pouty when things don’t go her way. I’ll just leave you with this photo to explain her presence at the top of the Hot axis.

Nikki-Ferrell-The-Bachelor-pictures

Clare

clareThis brings us to Clare. Juan Pablo definitely seems to like her, based on his attention span on the group dates, their 4 a.m. dip in the ocean, and the fact that she was the first woman to be invited on a second one-on-one date. The question is, IS CLARE HOT ENOUGH TO EXCUSE HER CRAZY? I’m standing by my earlier post that she is guilty of crazy eyes, and there’s something about that one eyebrow raise and her winking at the camera that would make me run the other way if I was Juan Pabs. Something about this girl is a ticking time bomb – we haven’t seen it yet, mainly because Juan Pablo has been giving her the attention she wants, but I’ve witnessed enough Bachelor contestants go crazy during or after this show to know that Clare is in the “crazy” category.

But let’s keep in mind Juan Pablo is a dangerous combination of hot and crazy himself. You’ve seen his dance moves. You know what I’m talking about.

Obviously these are all the harmless and subjective opinions of a reality TV blogger with way too many opinions about this show, but there you have it – The Bachelor Final 6 Hot Crazy Scale! Let’s all hope some more crazy comes out next week, because let’s face it, crazy makes good TV!

Your Guide to Blogging & Bacheloretting

As per request from one of my 3-4 loyal readers, Geoffrey Bird (aka instructor of my website design course at BCIT, for which this post is required)… and since I have six blog posts under my belt, which basically makes me an expert… I will do my readers the honour of presenting 5 tips for great blog posts.

Coincidentally, these tips also work for becoming a successful contestant on The Bachelor.

Please get out your pens and papers, because whether your path takes you into the world of blogging or onto a weird dating competition reality show, you’ll want to keep this advice in mind!

 

1) Show your personality

Both your blog readers and Juan Pablo want to see your personality. Readers and bachelors alike want some sense of your opinion and uniqueness to keep them coming back for more. Otherwise they will just go to the local tabloid or back to their ex-girlfriend. Don’t be afraid to be silly, make a fool of yourself (but not TOO much of a fool – ie. easy on the champagne) and crack a joke or two. Otherwise, no rose for you!

 

2) Keep it short and sweet

This goes for your one-on-one time with the Bachelor, as well as your blog posts. You don’t want to be caught rambling your way through either of these scenarios. This will just lead to embarrassment and the scaring off of Juan Pabs and/or your readers. Not ideal.

 

3) Be yourself

Juan Pabs doesn’t want any phonies, and neither do your readers! Authenticity is key, and this ties in with the “Show your personality” tip as well. Readers and bachelors know when you’re being insincere. Let your true self shine, and if it doesn’t, you better be citing your source, girl!

 

4) Be scan-able

gifFor blogs, this means breaking up your text with some pictures (or clearly in my case, gifs), bullet points, headings, or anything else to help direct your readers’ eyes. Sometimes we find ourselves scrolling through blogs while doing other tasks, such as, I don’t know, watching reality TV, and we want to be able to get a sense of the blog post without having to read the whole thing!

For you bachelorettes, this means make yourself look presentable. If Juan Pabs can scan you and you don’t give the impression of a homeless person, prostitute, or all around hot mess, you have obviously read this blog post and you’re good to move on to the next round!

 

5) Portray a similar theme.

This will explain to you why I’m not writing about politics every second week. Trust me, I have resisted the urge and it hasn’t been easy. If you see a blog post on Reality Bites that is not reality TV related, I encourage you to call the blog police and have me deported back to Facebook.

For bachelorette contestants, a similar theme means DON’T BE A DIFFERENT PERSON TO JUAN PABS THAN YOU ARE TO THE OTHER WOMEN. This leads to women not liking you, and this leads to you being the drama queen of the season. Take it from Vienna – it’s not worth it!

vienna-tricks-jake

“The waves were wild but we were wild too” – spoken too soon?

Dear Camila,

Tonight your daddy went for a nice swim in the ocean with his friend Clare. They were just playing a game of Marco Polo and looking for fishies at a time that was way waaayyyy past your bedtime. Also, even though you might think your daddy is kissing a lot (a LOT) of women, remember that he is just being polite. These are all normal things that adults do, but you won’t have to worry about them. Ever. In your life.

Now, what channel is Dora the Explorer on?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Juan Pablo,

Now I’m no expert at dating 11 people at once, but let’s just take this lemon of an episode and make some lemonade with the following advice:

Do not indulge in “pure bliss in every way” (quote: Clare) while frolicking in the ocean with a woman one night, and then follow up by telling her you regret said frolicking, because you don’t want to set a bad example for your daughter. As if it was all Clare’s fault.

Your Latino dance moves suggest that you’re familiar with the expression, “it takes two to tango.” Whether this tangoing is on land or in water, clothed or unclothed, Clare wasn’t playing Marco Polo by herself! Get it together, Juan Pabs!

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Clare,

WOMEN BE JEALOUS. MEN BE CONFUSING.

Hakuna matata, girl!

________________________________________________________________________

Sincerely,

Reality Bites